So not even an hour ago I post something about wanting that other job that I accepted, but was not permitted to pursue once they knew I was accepted to nursing school.

I was, of course, crushed by this, because I'd gone through the two-step PPD testing (needles aren't my friend), passed the drug/alcohol screens (I'm boring, wasn't worried), and come up clean on all my background checks... But I'd been honest with HR. I told the nurse manager I was accepted to an accelerated program because I did not want her to train me, get used to me, and then have me put in my two-weeks notice in May. It felt wrong, so I told them the truth against the advice of my future-MIL. I got burned. Total radio silence. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'd done this to myself by warning the managers.

I figured, well, I deserve that, right? Managers don't look out for me, most people don't look out for me, why did I ever think it was right to look out for a few administrators in a hospital system?

So I told myself weeks ago that I was done crying and fretting over that. I'd made my stupid choice and now I had to live with it, and going forward I'd never be honest with a manager again.

But then—a guy called me today and asked if I'd be interested in interviewing for a float pool specifically for nursing students...

So while I'm not getting my hopes up again, I'm a little more at peace with the decision I made. Maybe it really was the right one. Maybe it's okay not to sacrifice something I value to screw other people over, even in a world that feels crushing and unjust a lot of the time.

So thanks, prophetic journal entry! You're pretty cool!!

I see you down there, past-me. I see you confusing what was supposed to be a personal journal with a musebox because you were too dumb to know the difference!! I'm not even going to take it away, because I think it's fitting for you, slightly-more-awkward version of me.

Past me circa-2015/2016 did a lot of dumb things, but she was going through a pretty rough time, so I'll be a little bit nicer to her. When I think about it, I remember the weird packages that showed up to the house because someone was being a legitimate stalker, and wanting to get police involved, and wondering how much it was really worth even continuing to get up every morning when nothing ever seemed to improve. I thought I'd done everything right and given everything I could, but we were still miserable.

We all wish we could go back and do something different, but I wish I could've given past-me the answers that would've made it all a little better. She was pretty close, she had the right ideas. That's a high compliment coming from someone like me.

But the past-me also cemented herself into hiding and not talking about the things she loved. It's not like there weren't other reasons that led to the me of 2019 continuing to act this way, but that's the thing about understanding yourself and why you do certain things.

It doesn't make me feel any better just because I can explain a behavior I have. All it means for me is that I'm aware that I'm doing it, I don't like it, and I think about a version of me that could've been different.

That mythical, alternate "me" isn't real, though. Sure, I'd like to think she likes herself more and doesn't frustrate people as much, because maybe she knows how to take a compliment or accept an achievement. She'd probably cry just as much because every single version of me is a bit of a crybaby, but she would've figured out sooner how to tell someone what the crying is about, and she wouldn't have spiraled because maybe she would've had the support she needed all along the way. She could've picked out a name for herself too, rather than spending years figuring she doesn't deserve to give herself an identity that she likes.

So it really sucks that she's not real. She might've had her shit together a long time ago.

So, that's all for you, past-me. You'll always have a spot down there on this journal, bumbling around and trying to make friends like you don't know how to human properly. (Can I make human a verb? Human, humaning, I was bad at humaning today?? Too late, it's done.) Now to figure out how the real, less poised version of me is going to handle her shit.